divorce

Dec

2019

Don’t make life more difficult for those hurt by others’ sins

Originally published on The Electric Gospel on May 6, 2015.

A dear friend wrote the following thoughts about life as she had experienced it. Her message is something we in the church need to consider.

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My Life as a Child of Divorce

Author’s name withheld

I am a product of divorce. It has surrounded me my entire life. As a child, it defined me. As an adult, it scares me. In the United States, an estimated fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. That means when you get married, there is a high chance it will fail. In our churches, we believe that there are two biblical causes for divorce: malicious desertion and marital unfaithfulness. The divorces that impacted me fell into such a category. It didn’t matter though. In the church I was treated differently because of them. My parents were divorced – so of course I must be a troubled child. At least that’s how everyone made me feel.

I was too young to remember my parents getting divorced. As I started school, however—a church-sponsored school—I started to notice that I was being treated differently than the other students. For one, I was new and the other kids just kind of looked at me funny. Second, I was always naughty. Maybe I played into the assumptions, sure. If I was going to get reprimanded, might as well get to enjoy what I would be scolded for. This was first grade. As school continued, it got worse. Although I did make friends, you would never hear me talk about my parents and their being divorced. I knew divorce was bad, and I would get embarrassed and worried for my parents spiritual lives when we would talk about the 6^th commandment in school. “You shall not commit adultery.” Divorce means adultery. It would click in my head, and I would sit there and not say anything about it in class. I sometimes wonder if my teachers ever noticed that it bothered me.

Time moved on and I ignored things and was still “talking too much” or “not listening.” I would dread the talk on commandments but school was school. It was normal.

In my 6^th grade year, my mom got married again. He was a great guy; my sister and I really liked him. But later, we found out he was a struggling drug addict. In 6^th grade, you are just turning into a teenager; you’re awkward, and you care way too much what your friends think. As selfish as it is, I didn’t think too much on the fact that my family was falling apart but more at the idea of my mom getting ANOTHER divorce. I was embarrassed and sad, wondering if my mom would be okay to go to heaven. I heard not a word from anybody in my church or school about it. It seemed it wasn’t to be talked about. I look back and wonder why no one could have made it clear to me that I was okay, that my sister was okay, that my mom was okay. This man’s drug addiction, which he chose over us in the long run, was him not doing his marital duties. He essentially deserted us. The comfort I would have had in hearing that sort of understanding from the church would have changed my life, I think. But no, I avoided having friends come over, avoided ever talking about my family. And when the 6^th commandment came around in class, I remember not wanting to go to school that day.

I went to school that day. No one clarified anything to me or comforted me or anything. To their credit, maybe they didn’t know I was struggling with such things, and maybe I should have asked. But what twelve-year-old is going to raise her hand in class at a religious school and say, “Is my mom’s divorce okay?” That would never happen.

Eventually I came to my senses a little. I looked into it myself and started putting things together. I realized, my mom’s divorce was biblically sound. Still, that didn’t mean I wasn’t treated differently. I went to a Christian high school, and not many people there had divorced or separated parents. Even though I started to get my school life on track and realized I didn’t have to be the wounded, naughty student, it didn’t stop certain things in my life. I had a serious boyfriend for about two years, who ultimately broke up with me because my parents were divorced. He said he “just couldn’t deal with it and felt like he could never marry me.” Couldn’t marry me … we were just kids in high school! But it showed me again how divorced persons are perceived as having committed some heretical sin. My boyfriend knew the whole story and still felt that way. It is infuriating.

Divorce is hard on children. As a small child and even as a teenager, dealing with your parents splitting and the conflict and assumptions around you – it is really hard. I always wanted to be the pastor’s daughter whom everyone loved and had “no problems.” As silly as that is, it was impossibly hard to think that you will always be looked at like you’re sinful because your parents are divorced.

God knows that mistakes are made. I’m not saying he approves or is okay with sin, but he knows we humans are sinful. Sometimes divorce can be looked at by some people as about the worst of sins. Why is that the case? One sort of sinner is not better than another. People who get divorced—even not for biblical reasons—can be forgiven. Our focus shouldn’t be on the stigma of certain sins, but on the repentance and faith of the sinner.

Now the real question is: What can we do about this? It goes further than just divorce. What about the people who struggle with other challenges and sins? People who are judged for their circumstances can be turned off by such judgment. I’m not saying to accept people in their sins, absolutely not. But we need to show patience and understanding. Both law and gospel need to be applied. Struggling sinners are forgiven because Jesus died for them.

Also, do not make assumptions. You do not know the story behind a divorce most of the time. Do not assume everyone who is divorced came to that position by pursuing sin. Some have been deeply hurt and sinned against. And we have no clue what is in another person’s heart. Approach persons with support and with loving words. That could be all they need to begin healing.

The point of this article is not to complain about how challenging my childhood was or how everyone around me handled things wrong. That is not true. Although my childhood had rough spots, it was not horrible. I am writing this to raise awareness of things that could be happening if we are open to helping one another. Life is hard; we are sinful people. What is most important—in fact, the ONLY thing that is ultimately important—is what Christ did for us. “God gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him may not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Let us praise our Lord above for being a gracious loving God who forgives all sins. And let us seek to help and forgive each other, rather than making life even more difficult for those who’ve been affected by hurtful sins.

Dec

2019

God’s Guidance when Life Hurts

Originally published on The Electric Gospel on July 18, 2014.

This devotion was written as part of a Devotional Writing course I led. Ben Bain offers a very personal story about how the Lord worked on his faith during a particularly painful time in his life.

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Shaped by the Potter’s Hands

by Benjamin Bain

“You, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand” (Isaiah 64:8).

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As a sophomore in college, I came home for Christmas break to a surprise. It wasn’t a good surprise, unfortunately. When I got home, my dad wasn’t there. My mom told me he had moved out. They were separated and trying to work things out. I was shocked and confused. How had this happened? Why am I finding out now? Talk about a “merry” Christmas!

I told my parents I would drop out of school so we could work this out as a family. Both said I shouldn’t do that. They told me it was their problem to deal with, not mine. So I went back to school.

At school, I dug into God’s Word to learn what God said about divorce, the roles of husbands and wives, and blessings of marriage. I prayed that God would bring healing and reconciliation for my parents, so that my family could be whole again. Friends offered me encouragement and prayed for my family and me.

As painful as my parents’ separation and eventual divorce was, God used it to draw me closer to him. I sought God’s wisdom in his Word. My faith was strengthened. My knowledge of God’s Word grew. My understanding of Jesus’ love for me and all of his children blossomed. I knew Jesus forgave my parents for their sins. I knew Jesus forgave me for the pain I caused my parents and brothers. I trusted Jesus could bring healing to all of the relationships in my family, but I also understood what Jesus meant when he said, “For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother” (Matthew 10:35). I follow Jesus, even if no one else in my family does.

God uses many kinds of events in our lives to shape us into the people we are today. And each of us is uniquely formed from the particular experiences of our lives. And he blesses us with roles to play in his kingdom, distinctively suited to who we are.

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Prayer:

Loving Father in heaven, you have guided our lives, molding us lovingly into vessels for your good work. Forgive us when we have tried to force ourselves to become something out of line with your plan. Continue molding our lives as you see best. We trust you fully. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

Dec

2019

Love where love has been lacking

Originally published on The Electric Gospel on December 21, 2014.

The holidays can be joyous times for families … or extremely stressful times. Families often aren’t as harmonious as we hope they would be. Relationships are sometimes tense, sometimes badly marred, sometimes completely broken. How do we handle pain and hurt within our families?

This Electric Gospel post may not seem like a Christmas message, but in many ways it is very fitting at this time. A young woman has shared with me her story of struggle in her relationship with her father, and has granted permission to share the story here with you. If Christmas is a time for families, it is also a time for seeking reconciliation with family members.

Christ be with all of you in your families at Christmas.

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Honor thy Father?

Author’s name withheld

If you’re anything like me, we all learned our commandments as children. The one that was drilled into my head the most was the 4^th Commandment. I knew that I had to be obedient to parents and authority figures because God put them into place to help me and take care of me. I had a tough time keeping this commandment. No, I was not a rebellious child. I loved my mom and other authority figures in my life. However, I always had a beef with God’s commandment when it came to my dad.

My dad was never there for me. Yes he was there physically, kind of, but never emotionally. He would not come to my piano or dance recitals, or sports games. He didn’t talk to me about my day. I never once remember him telling me he loved me, or that he was proud of me. Additionally, he hardly ever went to church with us. Work, watching television, or sleep was more important to him than spending time with his family.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. Feelings of anger and hurt bubbled to the surface in me. I watched how my father treated my mom, my brother and me. I witnessed his deception and greed and saw his lack of concern for us. How was I supposed to honor a father who does not care, repeatedly tells lies, and continually acts selfishly? I could not understand how to do this. I realized during this stressful time that no matter how hard I tried to please my father and make him proud of me, I could not gain his approval. Trying to let go of the anger and hurt hasn’t been easy; in fact it’s still lingering in my heart. During my years of growing up and going through the divorce, I didn’t know how to love and obey my father.

Obviously, my relationship with my earthly father is very strained. I am not perfect and he is not perfect. Yet I knew I was commanded to obey him. It is incredibly hard to honor and obey a parent who has not lived up to the standard God has put into place for him. Scripture states, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). I was more than exasperated. I have been infuriated with my father for the kind of father he is. I also am frustrated with how his sins have affected my life. But I also realize that I am sinful. God does not see my father’s sins differently than mine; all sins are sins in God’s eyes (James 2:10). How then can I be vengeful toward a man who is the same as me in God’s eyes? I cannot return an evil for an evil. Holding a grudge against my father isn’t going to make anything better. As the apostle Peter advised us, “It is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil” (1 Peter 3:17). Peter was speaking to Christians who were being persecuted for their faith. He was urging them to love their enemies and to suffer for doing good. As I see it, this also applies to those children who have had a parent like I’ve had. It’s easy to want revenge on those who have hurt us. But how much better could life be if instead of doing evil or thinking evil we do good and think positively about those who cause us hurt? How much better could life be if we forgive others as God forgives us? Understandably, this is easier said than done, but God calls us to no longer see anyone from a worldly point of view (2 Corinthians 5:16).

I have learned how important it is to extend grace to a parent who has left scars. Our Father extended grace to us when he sent his Son to live the perfect life that we could not, suffer death in our place, and rise victorious over death and the devil. Our heavenly Father showed us his mercy; through him we are able to show mercy and grace to people who may have hurt us. By showing grace to a parent that’s hurt us, we are honoring and obeying parents just as God has commanded. They don’t deserve this, but we didn’t deserve to be saved by Jesus either. By showing grace to someone who has done us wrong, we not only show our faith, but also share the love of Christ. I know my father had to hear God’s law, but now I realize he needs to hear the gospel. He needs to be shown how to be loved again after years of hate and anger. Showing love to my father is not going to come from my own power, but from my Father above.

Currently, I am extending a line of communication to my father, letting him know I do not want to talk about the hurt. I simply want to be able to have a plain conversation with him, something we have not been able to do since the divorce happened. I wrote a letter stating that I pray for a real heartfelt apology, but know I may never receive one. I just pray that we will be able to talk, that I will be able to forgive him for his transgressions, and that we can try to have a “normal” relationship.

So to those of you reading this who have experienced the same kind of hurt I’ve had from a parent and struggle with keeping God’s commandment, extend grace. Forgive and love a parent who has caused so much hurt … because God loves you. Honoring a parent who has failed to be a godly parent may take a different form than what we would have wanted, but we can still honor them in Christian love. Pray for your parents, however they may have behaved. Pray for yourself, asking God to give you a forgiving heart. Look for the opportunity to do good because of how good Jesus has been to you. Extend the love that Christ has given you.

Shaped by the Potter’s Hands

Honor thy Father?

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