family

Dec

2019

Journeying toward forgiveness

Originally published on The Electric Gospel on September 20, 2015. In a summer class, participants were asked to write a doctrinal or personal article, pondering some aspect of our faith in Christ. Desiree Alge penned a very personal account and has graciously granted permission for me to share her story on The Electric Gospel blog. I deeply admire Desiree for her openness and willingness to talk about difficulties in life and overcoming them through Christ.

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Forgiveness — My Journey

by Desiree Alge

When children wrong their friends or their family, they are taught to apologize and ask for forgiveness. The trouble we find, though, is that it is simple to say the words, but to actually mean them is a bigger task. Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but coming clean and admitting the wrong you’ve done takes much more courage. And even harder is the challenge of forgiveness.

Sometimes I wonder if my mother was ever taught this fundamental lesson. After a rough childhood, she chose to follow the same path as her parents, with alcohol and drugs consuming her life. This vicious cycle led her to be these same people she hated. She became a wife and a mother at sixteen, divorced at eighteen, and was sent to prison several times in her young life. Because of the custody battles, I was sent back and forth between homes until I was six years old. During those years, I was left alone for days, stranded to take care of my baby brother and sister. I was surrounded by parties with alcohol, drugs, and drunk men. I dreaded the days my grandma dropped me off with my mother, and anxiously awaited her arrival to take me home with her. Even years after, my mom bribed me with gifts, but always failed to show up after I’d be waiting on the porch for hours. I felt let down, alone, and unworthy.

I never realized how hurt I was until I became older. Until recently, I hadn’t spoken or seen my mother in over ten years! Our first conversation left me bitter and angry. It contained no apologies or even a hint of regret. I caught myself thinking, “It’s impossible to forgive someone when they don’t even care!”

As I was contemplating all of the mean names I could call my mother, my mind led me to the cross. If Christ had this same attitude towards me as I did towards my mom, I would be sunk. There have been so many times in my life where I’ve been defiant, knowing right from wrong, yet choosing the wrong path. I’ve also ignored repentance, thinking that, “I’m forgiven anyways, so what’s the big deal?” If God decided to forgive only based on apologies received, I would have a lot of sins still on my slate. If Jesus forgives all of the terrible sins that I’ve committed, then who am I to withhold forgiveness from a fellow sinner in desperate need of God’s love?

I am human. I am sinful. I hold bitterness in my heart. I don’t want to be a prisoner to my mother or to resentment. I don’t want her to have this hold on me. Although I may feel like I’m punishing her by withholding forgiveness, I’m actually only hurting myself. The path to heal bitterness is through forgiveness.

No one deserves for their errors to be wiped clean — neither me nor my mother. We are on the same level of sin, no matter the earthly opinion. Whether I’m disrespectful or a liar, I deserve the same eternal punishment just like someone who neglected and abused her children. The words that stem from “forgive” are mentioned in the Bible 127 times and the concept is written many more! It is obviously a beautiful message that God wanted us to know and to live. Because of God’s forgiveness and grace, we receive eternal life! In Ephesians, it says: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Why wouldn’t we want to share that peace with others?

Dec

2019

Don’t make life more difficult for those hurt by others’ sins

Originally published on The Electric Gospel on May 6, 2015.

A dear friend wrote the following thoughts about life as she had experienced it. Her message is something we in the church need to consider.

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My Life as a Child of Divorce

Author’s name withheld

I am a product of divorce. It has surrounded me my entire life. As a child, it defined me. As an adult, it scares me. In the United States, an estimated fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. That means when you get married, there is a high chance it will fail. In our churches, we believe that there are two biblical causes for divorce: malicious desertion and marital unfaithfulness. The divorces that impacted me fell into such a category. It didn’t matter though. In the church I was treated differently because of them. My parents were divorced – so of course I must be a troubled child. At least that’s how everyone made me feel.

I was too young to remember my parents getting divorced. As I started school, however—a church-sponsored school—I started to notice that I was being treated differently than the other students. For one, I was new and the other kids just kind of looked at me funny. Second, I was always naughty. Maybe I played into the assumptions, sure. If I was going to get reprimanded, might as well get to enjoy what I would be scolded for. This was first grade. As school continued, it got worse. Although I did make friends, you would never hear me talk about my parents and their being divorced. I knew divorce was bad, and I would get embarrassed and worried for my parents spiritual lives when we would talk about the 6^th commandment in school. “You shall not commit adultery.” Divorce means adultery. It would click in my head, and I would sit there and not say anything about it in class. I sometimes wonder if my teachers ever noticed that it bothered me.

Time moved on and I ignored things and was still “talking too much” or “not listening.” I would dread the talk on commandments but school was school. It was normal.

In my 6^th grade year, my mom got married again. He was a great guy; my sister and I really liked him. But later, we found out he was a struggling drug addict. In 6^th grade, you are just turning into a teenager; you’re awkward, and you care way too much what your friends think. As selfish as it is, I didn’t think too much on the fact that my family was falling apart but more at the idea of my mom getting ANOTHER divorce. I was embarrassed and sad, wondering if my mom would be okay to go to heaven. I heard not a word from anybody in my church or school about it. It seemed it wasn’t to be talked about. I look back and wonder why no one could have made it clear to me that I was okay, that my sister was okay, that my mom was okay. This man’s drug addiction, which he chose over us in the long run, was him not doing his marital duties. He essentially deserted us. The comfort I would have had in hearing that sort of understanding from the church would have changed my life, I think. But no, I avoided having friends come over, avoided ever talking about my family. And when the 6^th commandment came around in class, I remember not wanting to go to school that day.

I went to school that day. No one clarified anything to me or comforted me or anything. To their credit, maybe they didn’t know I was struggling with such things, and maybe I should have asked. But what twelve-year-old is going to raise her hand in class at a religious school and say, “Is my mom’s divorce okay?” That would never happen.

Eventually I came to my senses a little. I looked into it myself and started putting things together. I realized, my mom’s divorce was biblically sound. Still, that didn’t mean I wasn’t treated differently. I went to a Christian high school, and not many people there had divorced or separated parents. Even though I started to get my school life on track and realized I didn’t have to be the wounded, naughty student, it didn’t stop certain things in my life. I had a serious boyfriend for about two years, who ultimately broke up with me because my parents were divorced. He said he “just couldn’t deal with it and felt like he could never marry me.” Couldn’t marry me … we were just kids in high school! But it showed me again how divorced persons are perceived as having committed some heretical sin. My boyfriend knew the whole story and still felt that way. It is infuriating.

Divorce is hard on children. As a small child and even as a teenager, dealing with your parents splitting and the conflict and assumptions around you – it is really hard. I always wanted to be the pastor’s daughter whom everyone loved and had “no problems.” As silly as that is, it was impossibly hard to think that you will always be looked at like you’re sinful because your parents are divorced.

God knows that mistakes are made. I’m not saying he approves or is okay with sin, but he knows we humans are sinful. Sometimes divorce can be looked at by some people as about the worst of sins. Why is that the case? One sort of sinner is not better than another. People who get divorced—even not for biblical reasons—can be forgiven. Our focus shouldn’t be on the stigma of certain sins, but on the repentance and faith of the sinner.

Now the real question is: What can we do about this? It goes further than just divorce. What about the people who struggle with other challenges and sins? People who are judged for their circumstances can be turned off by such judgment. I’m not saying to accept people in their sins, absolutely not. But we need to show patience and understanding. Both law and gospel need to be applied. Struggling sinners are forgiven because Jesus died for them.

Also, do not make assumptions. You do not know the story behind a divorce most of the time. Do not assume everyone who is divorced came to that position by pursuing sin. Some have been deeply hurt and sinned against. And we have no clue what is in another person’s heart. Approach persons with support and with loving words. That could be all they need to begin healing.

The point of this article is not to complain about how challenging my childhood was or how everyone around me handled things wrong. That is not true. Although my childhood had rough spots, it was not horrible. I am writing this to raise awareness of things that could be happening if we are open to helping one another. Life is hard; we are sinful people. What is most important—in fact, the ONLY thing that is ultimately important—is what Christ did for us. “God gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him may not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Let us praise our Lord above for being a gracious loving God who forgives all sins. And let us seek to help and forgive each other, rather than making life even more difficult for those who’ve been affected by hurtful sins.

Dec

2019

God’s Guidance when Life Hurts

Originally published on The Electric Gospel on July 18, 2014.

This devotion was written as part of a Devotional Writing course I led. Ben Bain offers a very personal story about how the Lord worked on his faith during a particularly painful time in his life.

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Shaped by the Potter’s Hands

by Benjamin Bain

“You, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand” (Isaiah 64:8).

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As a sophomore in college, I came home for Christmas break to a surprise. It wasn’t a good surprise, unfortunately. When I got home, my dad wasn’t there. My mom told me he had moved out. They were separated and trying to work things out. I was shocked and confused. How had this happened? Why am I finding out now? Talk about a “merry” Christmas!

I told my parents I would drop out of school so we could work this out as a family. Both said I shouldn’t do that. They told me it was their problem to deal with, not mine. So I went back to school.

At school, I dug into God’s Word to learn what God said about divorce, the roles of husbands and wives, and blessings of marriage. I prayed that God would bring healing and reconciliation for my parents, so that my family could be whole again. Friends offered me encouragement and prayed for my family and me.

As painful as my parents’ separation and eventual divorce was, God used it to draw me closer to him. I sought God’s wisdom in his Word. My faith was strengthened. My knowledge of God’s Word grew. My understanding of Jesus’ love for me and all of his children blossomed. I knew Jesus forgave my parents for their sins. I knew Jesus forgave me for the pain I caused my parents and brothers. I trusted Jesus could bring healing to all of the relationships in my family, but I also understood what Jesus meant when he said, “For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother” (Matthew 10:35). I follow Jesus, even if no one else in my family does.

God uses many kinds of events in our lives to shape us into the people we are today. And each of us is uniquely formed from the particular experiences of our lives. And he blesses us with roles to play in his kingdom, distinctively suited to who we are.

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Prayer:

Loving Father in heaven, you have guided our lives, molding us lovingly into vessels for your good work. Forgive us when we have tried to force ourselves to become something out of line with your plan. Continue molding our lives as you see best. We trust you fully. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

Dec

2019

If you see someone, be someone

Originally published on the Electric Gospel on June 30, 2019

If you see someone, be someone

by David Sellnow

“When Job’s three friends … heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. … They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:11,13).

Renae’s life had crashed in an instant. She had thought her husband was her soulmate, and her son had been her pride and joy. But in midlife, her husband, Randy, had an affair. She wanted to preserve their marriage, but now it seemed like a thousand-piece puzzle with no guide for aligning all the jagged edges. Then her adult son, Danny, was diagnosed with AIDS. He’d had HIV for a couple years before symptoms started to show. He hadn’t been one to do regular medical checkups, so the disease wasn’t discovered until his health began to deteriorate. The onset of AIDS also became the first time Danny told his parents that he was gay. He knew they held traditional views and would have a hard time accepting who he really was.

Indeed, Renae did have problems coming to terms with her son’s situation, as well as her husband’s infidelity. She wanted healing with Randy, but couldn’t stop herself from picking and gouging at the scabs of the hurt that existed between them. Her heart ached over Danny’s suffering, but she couldn’t bring herself to be at his side. She felt alienated from both her husband and her son.

Always an active church member, Renae felt cut off from her spiritual community too. No one called. No one stopped by—except her pastor.

“I don’t understand, Pastor Kim,” Reneae said. “I thought the people at church were my friends. It’s like I’m suddenly an outcast.”

“They tell me they don’t know what to say or do,” Pastor Kim responded. “I’ve urged them to come see you, to be with you—even if they don’t have all the answers. I don’t have all the answers either. Sometimes what the Lord wants us to learn from life’s struggles isn’t easy to see.”

“It seems all God wants is to punish me and give me trouble.”

“That’s not how God is. God is with us in our suffering, and wants us to be with one another in suffering. Speaking of which … how is Danny doing? Have you had opportunity to spend time with him?”

Renae stared at the floor. “I don’t know what to say to him,” she said.

“It’s less about what you say and more about being there for each other. Danny needs your love, and you need his love too.”

“But … but he’s not who I thought he was,” she stammered.

“I reckon God as our Parent could say that about all of us—children who are different from what he envisioned for us. Or, as Isaiah described, we’re like sheep who ‘have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way’ (Isaiah 53:6). But God came to be with us. Jesus came to walk alongside us and was willing to carry our sorrows and infirmities. ‘He took up our pain and bore our suffering’ (Isaiah 53:4), and all our sins were laid upon him. This is not a time to withhold your love from your son, Renae. There’s never such a time.”

“I guess all three of us need to try to understand each other and lean on each other,” Renae acknowledged. “Randy has been more supportive to Danny than I’ve been. He’s been spending time with Danny.”

“If there’s room in your heart to forgive Randy, I believe there’s room in your heart to be the mother your son needs.”

“Job’s friends came to him after his life had collapsed all around him. They didn’t really know what to say. In fact, as time went on, they said many of the wrong things. Read Job’s story if you want lessons on what not to say to someone in a crisis. But at least Job’s friends came. They cared enough to come and sit with him. They sat in the dirt for seven straight days before they attempted to say anything. Those days sitting on the ground beside their friend were perhaps the best way to offer compassion and comfort. This short life is long on problems. And in our problems, we need people to come and be with us—the way God himself came to be with us in our problem-plagued world.That Sunday, Pastor Kim addressed the congregation with a sermon about the friends of Job:

“You’ve heard the expression, ‘If you see something, say something,’ referring to signs there may be trouble or a threat to safety. I have a similar message for you today. If you see someone, be someone. When you see someone who is hurting, be someone who goes to that person. Be someone willing to sit in the dirt with someone who has been crushed down to the ground. Be someone who cares, someone who rebuilds and befriends. Be Christ to your neighbor, entering into their suffering, bringing compassion and hope.”

That week, Renae was visited by a number of her church friends. And Renae and Randy and Danny began reconnecting as a family. Things didn’t get easier, but they faced the challenges together.

DISCUSSION THOUGHTS:

Do you know someone who could use an encouraging word, or just the encouragement of your presence? When will you reach out to them?
If you need encouragement, who is someone that you can ask to come and sit in the dirt with you?

BIBLE PORTION TO READ: Job chapter 2

PRAYER:

Lord, give us friends when we need friends, and move us to befriend others when they need us. In Jesus, who came to suffer with us. Amen.

Dec

2019

Building others up

Originally published on The Electric Gospel on November 19, 2017.

Building Others Up … Not Tearing Them Down

by Morgan Shevey

If your family is anything like mine, the time when everyone comes home from school can be a tense situation as everyone gets used to living with one another again. The long vacations are often not harmonious as we all, myself included, criticize every little thing that does not happen to our liking. We send disgusted looks when someone wears a rather original outfit or sneak in a scathing comment when another family member does not sweep the floor well enough. Every single thing is seen as being wrong and is immediately subjected to judgment.

The same issues often arise in the church, as we come into contact with individuals of different backgrounds and gifts. Again, we find ourselves judging others who do not dress up enough for services or have taken a completely different approach at conducting worship. What makes it worse is that most of this criticism takes place behind our fellow believers’ backs. Tearing down our brothers and sisters in Christ becomes our focus, rather than praising God. Our mission of spreading the gospel to all people cannot be accomplished if we are too busy nitpicking the actions of fellow members of our congregation. Instead, we are called to build each other up with encouragement, which will bring us much closer to a unified goal.

Negative criticism does not benefit anyone

Judgmental criticism can easily become a sinful habit. Many people criticize and judge others because they think it will make them feel better about themselves. In reality, they remain just as empty inside. Being judgmental toward others cannot fill whatever void is inside them. A critical individual is only doing more and more damage every time they openly judge a fellow believer. People will be pushed away if we continually tear apart their opinions or ideas. We are told “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). We can reach more of our fellow believers by encouraging them in their work for Christ. They will be more responsive to our opinions and our teaching of the Word if we speak words of encouragement.

We do not know what others are going through in their lives

We want to be careful about criticizing others, because we do not know what is happening in their private lives. Every Christian struggles with something. Even if they do not show it, it does not mean that there is not more going on in the background. Criticism can bring down their spirits and make it more difficult for them to trust the promises that God has given. Our judgment can block them from reaching out for help when they need it. “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbor for his goo to build him up” (Romans 15:1-2). Our role as Christians is not to elevate ourselves by tearing others down, but humbling ourselves to be servants to those who need it. Encouraging words show our love for others as well as our willingness to help them in every situation.

Everyone has gifts and talents that are worthy of praise

The God-pleasing lives that we do see deserve our honor and respect. God has bestowed the blessing of numerous talents and abilities on his people. These gifts exist to serve the church is a variety of ways and each person has a place in the mission of spreading the gospel. Instead of discouraging others from using their gifts because it’s “not the way we do things,” we seek to praise others for their humble service to the church. “Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church” (1 Corinthians 14:12). Recognizing the amazing talents of others compels us to use our own gifts to the best of our ability. By encouraging everyone to use their abilities to the fullest, we, in turn, are encouraged to do the same.

We are only perfect through Christ

While we strive to live according to God’s commands, we are unable to constantly resist temptation. No one is perfect, we all know this full well. Every single individual born into this world has inherited sin and is unable to keep from sinning on a daily basis. Our criticism of others is a perfect example of this. But why tear down others when we fall under the same temptations that they do and will be subjected to the same judgment by God on the Last Day? Only through faith in Christ can we be perfect in God’s eyes. Therefore, criticizing the actions of others is hypocritical, since our sins are just as numerous as those of any other Christian. Instead, we are invited to “encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:13). Until the day that Christ takes take us home to heaven, we want to take every opportunity to build up our fellow Christians.

Every day we are presented with opportunities to encourage our brothers and sisters in Christ. By working together and building one another up, the mission of the church can be carried out to all parts of the world. When we are tempted to criticize or judge others, we remember that Christ never judged us, but loved us enough to sacrifice himself for the sake of our sins. Our eternal judgment has been taken away forever because of our Lord. Through his gracious love, we have become his children, forever free from judgment. In his name, we seek to build one another up always, that we may continue to live in blessing under God’s almighty hand.

Dec

2019

Love where love has been lacking

Originally published on The Electric Gospel on December 21, 2014.

The holidays can be joyous times for families … or extremely stressful times. Families often aren’t as harmonious as we hope they would be. Relationships are sometimes tense, sometimes badly marred, sometimes completely broken. How do we handle pain and hurt within our families?

This Electric Gospel post may not seem like a Christmas message, but in many ways it is very fitting at this time. A young woman has shared with me her story of struggle in her relationship with her father, and has granted permission to share the story here with you. If Christmas is a time for families, it is also a time for seeking reconciliation with family members.

Christ be with all of you in your families at Christmas.

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Honor thy Father?

Author’s name withheld

If you’re anything like me, we all learned our commandments as children. The one that was drilled into my head the most was the 4^th Commandment. I knew that I had to be obedient to parents and authority figures because God put them into place to help me and take care of me. I had a tough time keeping this commandment. No, I was not a rebellious child. I loved my mom and other authority figures in my life. However, I always had a beef with God’s commandment when it came to my dad.

My dad was never there for me. Yes he was there physically, kind of, but never emotionally. He would not come to my piano or dance recitals, or sports games. He didn’t talk to me about my day. I never once remember him telling me he loved me, or that he was proud of me. Additionally, he hardly ever went to church with us. Work, watching television, or sleep was more important to him than spending time with his family.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. Feelings of anger and hurt bubbled to the surface in me. I watched how my father treated my mom, my brother and me. I witnessed his deception and greed and saw his lack of concern for us. How was I supposed to honor a father who does not care, repeatedly tells lies, and continually acts selfishly? I could not understand how to do this. I realized during this stressful time that no matter how hard I tried to please my father and make him proud of me, I could not gain his approval. Trying to let go of the anger and hurt hasn’t been easy; in fact it’s still lingering in my heart. During my years of growing up and going through the divorce, I didn’t know how to love and obey my father.

Obviously, my relationship with my earthly father is very strained. I am not perfect and he is not perfect. Yet I knew I was commanded to obey him. It is incredibly hard to honor and obey a parent who has not lived up to the standard God has put into place for him. Scripture states, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). I was more than exasperated. I have been infuriated with my father for the kind of father he is. I also am frustrated with how his sins have affected my life. But I also realize that I am sinful. God does not see my father’s sins differently than mine; all sins are sins in God’s eyes (James 2:10). How then can I be vengeful toward a man who is the same as me in God’s eyes? I cannot return an evil for an evil. Holding a grudge against my father isn’t going to make anything better. As the apostle Peter advised us, “It is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil” (1 Peter 3:17). Peter was speaking to Christians who were being persecuted for their faith. He was urging them to love their enemies and to suffer for doing good. As I see it, this also applies to those children who have had a parent like I’ve had. It’s easy to want revenge on those who have hurt us. But how much better could life be if instead of doing evil or thinking evil we do good and think positively about those who cause us hurt? How much better could life be if we forgive others as God forgives us? Understandably, this is easier said than done, but God calls us to no longer see anyone from a worldly point of view (2 Corinthians 5:16).

I have learned how important it is to extend grace to a parent who has left scars. Our Father extended grace to us when he sent his Son to live the perfect life that we could not, suffer death in our place, and rise victorious over death and the devil. Our heavenly Father showed us his mercy; through him we are able to show mercy and grace to people who may have hurt us. By showing grace to a parent that’s hurt us, we are honoring and obeying parents just as God has commanded. They don’t deserve this, but we didn’t deserve to be saved by Jesus either. By showing grace to someone who has done us wrong, we not only show our faith, but also share the love of Christ. I know my father had to hear God’s law, but now I realize he needs to hear the gospel. He needs to be shown how to be loved again after years of hate and anger. Showing love to my father is not going to come from my own power, but from my Father above.

Currently, I am extending a line of communication to my father, letting him know I do not want to talk about the hurt. I simply want to be able to have a plain conversation with him, something we have not been able to do since the divorce happened. I wrote a letter stating that I pray for a real heartfelt apology, but know I may never receive one. I just pray that we will be able to talk, that I will be able to forgive him for his transgressions, and that we can try to have a “normal” relationship.

So to those of you reading this who have experienced the same kind of hurt I’ve had from a parent and struggle with keeping God’s commandment, extend grace. Forgive and love a parent who has caused so much hurt … because God loves you. Honoring a parent who has failed to be a godly parent may take a different form than what we would have wanted, but we can still honor them in Christian love. Pray for your parents, however they may have behaved. Pray for yourself, asking God to give you a forgiving heart. Look for the opportunity to do good because of how good Jesus has been to you. Extend the love that Christ has given you.

Forgiveness — My Journey

Shaped by the Potter’s Hands

If you see someone, be someone

Building Others Up … Not Tearing Them Down

Honor thy Father?

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