hope

Originally published on the Electric Gospel on April 26, 2014.

A friend shared with me her personal story of anguish … and of hope.  For the benefit of others who may struggle in depression, she graciously has permitted the posting of her story here.

From Darkness to Light

Author’s name withheld by request

It started like every other morning.  The alarm went off earlier than I really wanted, but I pulled myself out of my bed anyway.  I went to the bathroom and started getting ready, the whole time waiting for my phone to buzz to let me know that he was thinking about me; but it never came.  I left the house just after 9:00 to make the commute to a school 45 minutes away.  Sitting through class, I never stopped thinking about the text that never came.  “Why do I still get so surprised when he does this?” I remembered thinking to myself.  The reality was that this was becoming normal, going days without speaking.  And still, sadness overwhelmed me.  When class finally finished, I decided I wouldn’t go to my other classes.  After all, what was the point?  I got back in my car and drove home, allowing that deep depression to overwhelm again.

By the time I got back home, I could barely hold myself together.  Collapsing on my bed, I wept for too long.  Looking back, I know that something so trivial shouldn’t have gotten to me, but after months of the same ritual the pain never really went away.  I started to think, again, about all the bottles stored in the medicine cabinet.  I remember thinking, “If you’re going to do it, stop thinking about it and just do it!”  Gripped with sadness, I went and got a bottle of pain killers (to stop the ‘pain’) and a bottle of sleeping pills (to put me to ‘sleep’). I took every last pill in those almost brand new bottles.  I sent a text to my mother, who was at work, telling her I was sorry, but that I just couldn’t stand the pain anymore.  Then, I curled up in bed to let myself die.

I know you’re probably thinking: Isn’t that a little dramatic when she was only being ignored by some guy? And yes, I would agree with you.  The problem is, though, that these thoughts had been racing through my mind for about 7 years.  I had been able to ignore them, but the six months before this had been an especially trying time.  It may have not gotten so bad if I had just talked to someone about it, but I was trying so hard to be the perfect child and I didn’t want anyone to know my dark thoughts.  What’s funny, though, is my parents never put any pressure on me to be ‘perfect.’  They have always been very clear that as long as I try my best, they will be proud of me.  I was the one putting the pressure on myself.

Until now, I haven’t mentioned prayer, or church, or anything about God or my faith.  And no, this isn’t the story of my coming to faith after sinking to such a low place.  You see, I was raised in a Christian family.  I went to church my whole life, and am still a member of the church today.  I went to a Christian elementary school and high school.  I even enrolled at a Christian college upon my high school graduation.  God was not foreign to me, but unfortunately he was not as important to me as he should have been.  I was allowing my depression to lead me through life, rather than praying for strength and guidance.

Thankfully, after lying in my bed for only 10 minutes, I realized the foolishness of what I had done and got help.  The embarrassment of having so many people know those dark thoughts combined with seeing my mom cry for only the second time in my life kept me from trying anything again, even though the sadness continued.  I realized that doing nothing and hoping it would get better (my previous way of thinking) was not going to work.  I started making a few simple changes saw tremendous results.  I accepted that I had a problem and stopped trying to hide it from everyone; I sought counseling and was prescribed anti-depressants; I cut negative people out of my life; and I finally started going to God for help.  I went to church and actually paid attention to what was being said.  I prayed that he would take the deep sorrow away and help me to rely more on him.  And you know what?  He did.  He reminded me that he gave his own Son, Jesus, to die for me, to make my life worth living, to give me life with him that will never end.   Imagine that; my loving Father answering my prayers like he promised so many times in his Word.  Crazy concept, I know.   So next time you have a problem, no matter how big or small, try talking to God about it.  He has told us to come to him with everything (Philippians 4:6).  And he gives us life in Jesus as the answer to our anxieties.